I’ve always doubted. I’ve doubted the existence of God, and I’ve doubted the non-existence of God. When I was eight, I couldn’t think of who created God, and since we all must have a creator, this gave me a problem. I resorted to the “illusion” argument. My dolls were real people in my mind, so for a while, I just thought I was in God’s mind. I’d hit myself to see if I was real. I’d ask mom if I was real, and try to imagine if she saw me and heard me, or if she, too, was apart of this evil demon deceiving us.
The atheists might argue that I was destined to not believe in God. But atheism continues to have problems to me (namely, its philosophically problematic to say only that which can be verified scientifically is real as even Ayers, the spokesman and writer for logical positivism for over 50 years, admitted before he died). I understand atheists, but its not for me.
And so doubt is apart of me. Its interesting to me that evangelicals look down on doubt. Doubt is a sign of weakness and lack of faith. Its ungodly. Children are prepped to “defend their faith,” so they will not doubt, yet the children are sheltered from every exploring the ideas that would lead to doubt.
I find doubt not only to be normal, but also a necessary part of meeting the divine. Take Buddhism, for example. The first noble truth is dissatisfaction. Its the awareness that all happiness is constantly changing and is momentary, and the awareness that our suffering is producing a dissatisfaction and anxiety. In essence, this is saying that the first step in becoming a buddha is to doubt the purpose in mortality and life. Also, as we learn, we must “know thy self.” This is a journey wherein doubt is the key component. The process where we say “this isn’t me.” My name? That’s not me. My career? That’s not me. And we take all those labels and reject that. Its the process where everything around us is to be doubted because it is finite, because everything around us is temporary, where every symbols around us, because they are finite, are not helpful in knowing the true, immortal infinite consciousness. Doubt is necessary.
And why is doubt different in Christianity? According to the late philosopher and theologian Tillich, it is not. For we live in the same world as the Buddhists, and that is, in a finite world. My body and my brain are finite. There will be a day when even my stored memories will be no more. Even our symbols are finite. In critical theory and philosophy, critics have long debated the role symbols play. Augustine and later Dante would argue that the arts were closer to the divine being, the logos, as Augustine said. Plato saw this world as an illusion, more like a painting of the real world. The imagination played the role in understanding the divine. Its the sense that perhaps a work like Narnia helps us understand what its like to be children of God more than any theological sermon. Even the Bible itself uses symbols to talk about heaven and hell. Fundamamentals assume these are literal realities, but how could God explain the infinite in finite terms? He had to use symbols.
And yet, we all know that symbols themselves are finite, as the 19th century linguistics finally came to admit. And in the process of seeking and grasping for the infinite, in the process of being finite, with a finite brain, and finite symbols, the Christian must first doubt himself, must first wrestle and come to terms with his or her humanness.
Is it all futile? Is there, then, no hope for the infinite? Agnosticism has taken many days of my life, but I somehow always end back in faith. The Buddhist finds the infinite through mediation, the thinking of nothing at all, because all else is plagued in finiteness; the Buddhist hopes that somehow, in some future life, the infinite will be known. The Christian finds the infinite through prayer because its the infinite spirit and the infinite God that meet. For some people, this is enough to erase all doubt. For others, its an awakening hope.
What about you? Do you see a problem with doubt? Do you doubt?
I’m always interested in this subject. As you know, I don’t believe anymore, but I’m interested in other ways of looking at this.
For me, the reasons for my belief were always very clear:
1) God answered prayer/ spoke to me
2) I sensed God’s presence
3) Creationism was overwhelmingly supported by science
4) Miracles happened
5) The Bible was perfect
Once I realised that none of those pillars was true, I had nothing to hang on to. I found I simply didn’t believe. I mostly think belief isn’t a choice. Imagine I rigged up a machine that could read minds give $500 million to anyone who sincerely believes the grass in my garden is pink, or that Harry Potter lives in my left shoe, it would not pay out very often. Lots of people would try, but you can’t choose to believe those things.
I think that’s true for God too. I just don’t believe; other people (like you, I guess) just do. This could be an entire blog post. I’ll do it at some point.
Good points. I would say that I have faith even though I’ve wanted to disbelieve. Sheldon said he didn’t want to disbelieve, but he just didn’t anymore. For me, I reached the point where I didn’t want God to be real. I just didn’t. But I couldn’t choose to not have faith. That’s weird, but its true.
The people is far from perfect, and the earth is not young. So I hear you out on those too points.
Miracles definitely happen. And I’ve tried to come up with explanations for these if God is not real. There could be scientific explanations for these, and it also could be energy of the earth healing itself. For example, I have seen the eastern people use the energy of their hand to heal up a cut or take down a bruise. Its so weird. Then I saw a blind child see while Christians prayed for him (and no, it wasn’t at a conference, and was not a show. This was just about 5 people who randomly decided to pray for the boy after a worship time. I was there.) One could say that perhaps the faith of the boy gave the energy for him to see again. I dunno.
I really believe that doubts and questions are healthy and indeed necessary. How can one understand the struggles of others without some similar experience? (You are correct that fundamentalists choose instead to dismiss those who doubt as the enemy.)
I can’t help but note that the Apostle Thomas was never condemned (like the ambitious and volatile James and John or the loose cannon Peter) for his doubt. He was treated gently by Christ, and, if tradition is to be believed, went on to have an illustrious career.
If I can draw any conclusion from the gospels in this matter it is that doubting is far preferable to being sure one knows it all.
good point on Thomas
Doubt isn’t always fun.
Doubt can be the doorway to a new understanding.
I often doubt.
The object of an open mind (and doubt) is like that of an open mouth – to close it on something solid (I think GK Chesterton).
That’s some of what I think about doubt. : )
No, its not fun, but its sure necessary, isn’t it? Thanks.
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I am finding that real faith has to wrestle with doubt. Faith isn’t static–it is a journey that ebbs and flows. But that’s my take born out of a traumatic double murder and the loss of just about everything I had ever held dear.
Thanks for speaking up. Thanks for the work you are doing in your blog, too. God bless.