A family member got married this weekend. I’ll call her Sarah.
I cried at Sarah’s wedding. I cried because her husband is a much more decent guy than I would expect in our extended family. I cried because I cannot make sense of how much “God” is thrown out as a means to cover up the dysfunction of my family. I also cried because the preacher who married them harped on the word “submission” in his little speech.
The preacher talked about the word submission over and over again. I got sick, listening, eternalizing. I wanted to plug up my ears because it was breaking my heart.
Then Sarah had to promise to submit in her wedding vowels.
I cried. The tears flowed, one by one.
Normally I just get angry when I hear Ephesians 5 sermons and lose an afternoon screaming “why church, why? Why do you have to suppress women in Jesus’ name?” But at the wedding this weekend I just cried.
Sarah had to promise to submit. Her husband did not.
I cried because I’m so dang sick of it all. I’m hurt. I’m tired. I’m so tired of hearing how I’m the weaker sex (which one of my uncles apparently said this weekend). I’m so tired of hearing how I need to submit. I’m so tired of hearing “the Bible says so.”
I’m so tired of hearing my mother say, “it’s okay. Just go along with the flow.” How it is okay? How is it okay that we have to hear that we need to submit all the time? How is it okay that a preacher can start a great couple off on the wrong path, by pointing them on a route which I already know first hand leads to failure? How is it okay?
How is it okay that women are abused in the name of such theology? How is it okay that other women like me have to hear about submission? How is it okay that the pastor felt the need to talk to Sarah about this – and make her promise – in the short cermony?
I’m so tired. I’m so tired of the hurts in my heart. I can’t even enjoy weddings. I hate weddings thanks to fundamentalism. The girl has to smile. The girl is given away. By her father. The girl has to walk down the isle in a white dress and parade her virginity.
I’m so tired because sexism in the church is alive and well, and at family weddings, I feel so ever alone. Everyone is so content in it. And I’m so hurt.
The church leaves me trembling. Alone.